Thursday, January 12, 2012

Where have the last 9 days gone?

Hello everyone. I am sitting here in my flannel pj's on a grey, rainy day. Did I mention it's almost 2 PM? I guess I'm having a jammy day. My eyes are tired and sore, so no contact lenses for now. I'm too tired to stay awake, but too full of emotion to fall asleep. 

Yesterday was Beth's funeral. The last post is of the holy card they gave out. Her picture was on the front and that beautiful poem was on the back. A lovely rememberance of her. The service was beautiful and so many people turned out. We were receiving visitors for over 2 1/2 hours straight. So many people who loved her, or  love and work with Ed, and even friends of mine and people from our work turned out to pay their condolences. Such a lovely tribute to her and my brother and their family.

 The sky was grey, but it did not rain. Many people mentioned the glorious full moon we had been having, even the priest in his sermon. He reminded us that even in the darkness, the sun is still shining, hence the light of the moon as the sun shines upon it. It's been a huge, bright moon, illuminating the past few nights.

 The mass was beautiful and we followed my brother up the aisle, as he carred the box with her ashes, and each of his children were at his sides, arms linked in his, as the song played "And he will raise you up on Eagles wings, bear you on the breath of dawn, make you to shine like the sun, and hold you in the palm of his hand." It was so beautiful, and so sad, all at the same time.

My brother insisted on having a large gathering at a restaurant after the service. I worked with them on a menu of soup, salads, wraps and sandwiches, chicken tenders and grilled cheese for the kids. The bar was open, and the restaurant was closed to only us. It was a large gathering, maybe 150 people or more.  As one person commented, it was more like a wedding reception, only no bride and groom, no cake or band. It cost my brother alot of money to do that, but he thought it was important to thank everyone for coming and to spend some time relaxing and reminiscing with people. It was so happy and so sad all at the same time.

It's so funny that people were worried about me eating. I was even brought a plate of food at one point and instructed to sit down and eat. Isn't that ironic, that my whole life I have had to try and control what I ate, and yesterday, it was reversed. People were trying to get me to eat.
Today I am giving myself a hump day to get back to normal. The last 9 days since Beth had her heart attack last Tuesday, have gone by so fast, and have been a blur of pain and sadness. A long, drawn out, emotional journey as she was taken from this earth. It has been the longest 9 days of my life, and the shortest 9 days of my life....all at the same time.
I have experienced only a few deaths in my life. The passing of a good friend in his early thirties,many years ago when I was in my early thirties, and also my grandparents. One death expected as he had end stage melanoma, and the others expected as they were older. This is the first time I feel I have been hit with a ton of bricks. Out of nowhere it came, slamming down on our family, changing us forever and causing a void that can never be filled.
I am a person of faith however, and for an unkown reason to me, God has decided it is Beth's time to come home. I do believe that God and Beth send signs that she is okay and happy. We have had a few. One person had a dream of Beth, all cozied up under blankets on the sofa, looking glowing and peaceful and uttering the words "I'm sorry" before she vanished from the dream. As if to say I had to go, and I'm sorry about that. Another person found a cross that belonged to no one in the driveway of a friend. The back of the cross had the work 'faith' inscribed on it. The morning I was driving to the hospital for the last time, I commented on the sky, filled with a rippling clouds that seemed to go for infinity. I commented that maybe heaven looked like that. At the same time my son said "mom, look at the radio" and there was a song playing called Heaven by O.A.R. and the word Heaven stood out on my dashboard screen.

 Lastly, I had a beautiful sight come to me this morning. I was talking to my other sister-in-law on the phone and looked out my window. I saw two large white images. They turned out to be two white deer. I have never seen anything like that before. I grabbed my camera, but shooting throught the window made the pictures turn out poorly.I never knew there were white deer, but they were beautiful creatures. Maybe sent from Beth to make me smile!


  1. Pattie, I do believe that Beth has been to visit you to let you know that she is ok. I read a beautiful book and it was about Heaven and from what this pastor who had died & come back to tell of his adventure, I believe that we have a beautiful home waiting for us all and there will be a great reunion when we arrive.
    You have been on my mind alot lately. Thank you for keeping us updated as to how things are going.
    I pray that God and his precious son Jesus will continue to hold you in the palm of their hands. I have drawn on my faith many many times in my life and I am thankful that my parents gave me such a good upbringing and a life filled with God in it. You are never alone.
    Sending you Love & Hugs

  2. Thank you for sharing your past few days with us. You're right, it's beautiful, while at the same time sad. Those signs are amazing. We've had definite signs in our life at times as well, and they couldn't be chalked up to coincidence. In times like that, you KNOW God is allowing you a peek into His plans to help you along when you most need it. It sounds like you have all been able to rely on each other for support, which is great.

    Hugs to you,

  3. Pattie, You have had such a rough nine days. I think you deserve a few jammy days. The funeral sounded very beautiful.
    You know, this past summer I found out that an old High School friend of mine had died of cancer. Her sister called me to tell me the bad news and we had a beautiful conversation about Lynne. After I hung up, I was sitting on my back deck alone thinking about her, when all of a sudden a lone deer came right up to the edge of our yard and stood and stared at me for at least a full minute, then it turned and ran off. I felt very close to Lynne at that moment. God works in mysterious ways. I hope the next nine days bring you and your family some much needed peace and comfort.

  4. Pattie, death is always so shocking but especially in this case. I actually decided not to do my 1/2 marathon in a few wks because of Beth. This is about the same thing that a man died at the finish line last year from, and I have a history of heart problems. So it scared me a little.

    I have never seen deer like that before! What ARE they? Surely it was a sign up some kind.

  5. HI Pattie,
    I wanted to say thank you for posting during this sad time and letting us all know what is going on with you.
    I have lost many people very close to me; uncle, 2 of my own brothers, mom and last dad.
    You stay in you PJ's for another week if you want. Love ya.

  6. I believe that she will come to you in times that are very unexpected and I know she will want you to smile when you think of her. I think the "party" sounds exactly how I would want mine to be. I haven't spent my life laughing, making memories and "kay os" to have everyone sit around and be sad for me. I know God loves me because he gave me my husband, so I know He will be there for me, just as He was for Beth.
    It would be wonderful if we could ever understand the "plan", but if we love and believe, we will be at peace. Beth is in Heaven and happy.
    I don't know if now is a good time to read it, but the book "Heaven is for real", is amazing. It is a true story, told by a young boy to his dad. I know it comforts me to know that my Dad is there waiting for me, just like when I saw him last. But healthy.
    I hope you take some time to grieve. Continue to journal, pour your heart out, and how blessed everyone was to know her and love her.
    Hugs, hugs and more hugs.

  7. Pattie, Just wanted to let you know that I have been praying for you and your family. I know that once the furneral is over and life starts to get back on track is when you really start to feel the loss of your loved one. So I will continue to pray that God gives you strength. I know after my mother died I had a dream that my mother came back and she told me to make sure I live right that heaven is real. I think of that often and always remember what she told me. I believe that was God's way of telling me she was there with him in heaven. Thanks for sharing with us. I know this is a time for healing and pouring your heart out is a way to find some peace.

  8. Oh Pattie, such a beautifully written post. Sounds like a beautiful service for such a lovely and loved woman. Those deer look very rare. God sends us peace in many different ways, I think those deer were part of that. I'll definitely pray for you and the family. Hugs from me to you.