Where have the last 9 days gone?

Hello everyone. I am sitting here in my flannel pj's on a grey, rainy day. Did I mention it's almost 2 PM? I guess I'm having a jammy day. My eyes are tired and sore, so no contact lenses for now. I'm too tired to stay awake, but too full of emotion to fall asleep. 

Yesterday was Beth's funeral. The last post is of the holy card they gave out. Her picture was on the front and that beautiful poem was on the back. A lovely rememberance of her. The service was beautiful and so many people turned out. We were receiving visitors for over 2 1/2 hours straight. So many people who loved her, or  love and work with Ed, and even friends of mine and people from our work turned out to pay their condolences. Such a lovely tribute to her and my brother and their family.

 The sky was grey, but it did not rain. Many people mentioned the glorious full moon we had been having, even the priest in his sermon. He reminded us that even in the darkness, the sun is still shining, hence the light of the moon as the sun shines upon it. It's been a huge, bright moon, illuminating the past few nights.

 The mass was beautiful and we followed my brother up the aisle, as he carred the box with her ashes, and each of his children were at his sides, arms linked in his, as the song played "And he will raise you up on Eagles wings, bear you on the breath of dawn, make you to shine like the sun, and hold you in the palm of his hand." It was so beautiful, and so sad, all at the same time.

My brother insisted on having a large gathering at a restaurant after the service. I worked with them on a menu of soup, salads, wraps and sandwiches, chicken tenders and grilled cheese for the kids. The bar was open, and the restaurant was closed to only us. It was a large gathering, maybe 150 people or more.  As one person commented, it was more like a wedding reception, only no bride and groom, no cake or band. It cost my brother alot of money to do that, but he thought it was important to thank everyone for coming and to spend some time relaxing and reminiscing with people. It was so happy and so sad all at the same time.

It's so funny that people were worried about me eating. I was even brought a plate of food at one point and instructed to sit down and eat. Isn't that ironic, that my whole life I have had to try and control what I ate, and yesterday, it was reversed. People were trying to get me to eat.

Today I am giving myself a hump day to get back to normal. The last 9 days since Beth had her heart attack last Tuesday, have gone by so fast, and have been a blur of pain and sadness. A long, drawn out, emotional journey as she was taken from this earth. It has been the longest 9 days of my life, and the shortest 9 days of my life....all at the same time.

 

I have experienced only a few deaths in my life. The passing of a good friend in his early thirties,many years ago when I was in my early thirties, and also my grandparents. One death expected as he had end stage melanoma, and the others expected as they were older. This is the first time I feel I have been hit with a ton of bricks. Out of nowhere it came, slamming down on our family, changing us forever and causing a void that can never be filled.

 

I am a person of faith however, and for an unkown reason to me, God has decided it is Beth's time to come home. I do believe that God and Beth send signs that she is okay and happy. We have had a few. One person had a dream of Beth, all cozied up under blankets on the sofa, looking glowing and peaceful and uttering the words "I'm sorry" before she vanished from the dream. As if to say I had to go, and I'm sorry about that. Another person found a cross that belonged to no one in the driveway of a friend. The back of the cross had the work 'faith' inscribed on it. The morning I was driving to the hospital for the last time, I commented on the sky, filled with a rippling clouds that seemed to go for infinity. I commented that maybe heaven looked like that. At the same time my son said "mom, look at the radio" and there was a song playing called Heaven by O.A.R. and the word Heaven stood out on my dashboard screen.

 

 Lastly, I had a beautiful sight come to me this morning. I was talking to my other sister-in-law on the phone and looked out my window. I saw two large white images. They turned out to be two white deer. I have never seen anything like that before. I grabbed my camera, but shooting throught the window made the pictures turn out poorly.I never knew there were white deer, but they were beautiful creatures. Maybe sent from Beth to make me smile!