Sunday, January 15, 2012
An ordinary morning.
Good morning to everyone. I just want to let you all know that I am so behind in reading your blogs. I am going to catch up this week, but I am not going to leave comments on each one. I don't think my day will permit me the time to do that. But I still care very much about what is going on in your lives, how you are doing on your journey and what your thoughts are.
To all of you, please let me say that I really couldn't have gotten through this terrible time without the love and support of my family and friends, cyber and those present with me. When I would be sitting for those long hours in that hospital waiting room, I'd see a new email pop up on my phone with a message from one of you. It really touched my heart. I also thank you for allowing me to pour my feelings and thoughts out on this blog. If you read the title of my blog, it's about trying to lead a more balanced life, and also trying to follow Jorges' Belly Fat Cure. I will continue to blog about both. The next several months will still be very tough....in fact I think it will be tough for many years, as we mourn the loss and very lively presence of Beth in our lives....our everyday lives.
I woke up this morning, and as I have for the past several mornings, had a second of feeling normal and waking up on a normal morning. Only a second. Then the reminder that she is gone came flooding back.It's not a normal morning. Not in our family. I imagine this is what my brother and her kids are feeling, only magnified about a million times, each day when they open their eyes.Their thoughts must go right to how it used to be and did this really happen? They are praying, please God let it be a dream. Please give me back the normal morning when the smell of coffee is in the kitchen and my mom and wife is shuffling around in her slippers, reading the paper and making breakfast on a Sunday morning. I want a normal morning when I can call my sister-n-law and catch up on what's been going on. How often do we take our normal life for granted? Wishing for more excitement, more adventure, more things to fill our world? We don't appreciate normal until it has changed. Until we see the world is normal for everyone else, but so different for us.
I am wishing this Sunday for a normal morning. A morning when my brother and his kids weren't in pain, when my mom wasn't crying when I talked to her, and when I didn't miss Beth so much. I want boring, and quiet and status quo. Will it ever feel that way again? And should it? Or is that the point? You don't know what you have, until it changes. And when it does, only then you appreciate what you had.
So I have been yearning for some sense of normal and routine. The new year is always good for that. Reevaluate what is working in your life, see where you need to make changes and plan accordingly. I have not had that luxury this year. Beth got sick on January 2. That was my day to get back in the routine of normal life after the long holiday season. It didn't happen for me or for her, or for anyone in my family.
My life is going to be different for awhile. I am going to be driving the 25 miles each afternoon to be there when the kids get off the bus, and I will stay until my brother gets home from work, and then come home around 7. I know, and he knows, that I can't do this forever. But for now I can. They need some stabiliy, someone to help with homework and to drive them to their activities. My mom will help, as will countless friends and neighbors. They need some sort of stability....some sort of normal to return to their little lives which have been turned upside down, and inside out. She would have done this for me, and it's the only thing I can do for her now. Help nuture and grow the children she loved so much.
So my quest to return to some sort of normalcy this morning started with breakfast. A meal I never used to skip, but in the past 10 days, never took time for, as I rushed out the door to the hospital. I had no time to bake our beloved coconut bread, so nothing to grab and go. This morning I went back to an old comforting standby, oatmeal.
Thought for the day: Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for. -Epicurus