Friday, January 6, 2012

Now the hardest part of the journey begins

In my time of grief, I want you all to know that your thoughts, kind words, and prayers sent, have touched me deeply. I am hearing words of comfort from people that I didn't even know read my little blog.You don't really know me or Beth, or my family, and yet you have provided me with more comfort in your kind words then you will ever know. I  feel we do know each other and the connection of the human spirit can happen even from a distance. Our common interest of weight loss and eating healthy, have brought us together. And for that I am glad. I know this is supposed to be a blog about weight loss, but I don't care about losing weight right now. It's the furthest thing from my mind. If I never lose another pound....I don't care.

Surprisngly I saw a weight this morning when I got on the scale (what a habit that is, even during a time like this, it is still my habit) that I haven't seen in many, many years. There was a nanosecond of happiness, very fleeting, and then I didn't care again. I only care about Beth right now, and my brother and my niece and nephew who are waking up without a mom today. My pain can not even come close to theirs. So my thoughts are now turning to how I can make this a little easier for them.

We are going to the hospital this morning to say goodbye one last time. The final confirmation tests will be done that will show there is no hope. How can that be? Isn't there always supposed to be hope? Can't miracles happen? But I know that this is not the time for a miracle. Maybe the miracle is coming for those other families that are going through what we are going through, and hoping for an organ to save their loved ones life. Maybe Beth had to die so that some others could live. I have to keep saying these things to myself or I'm going to go crazy. This is not supposed to happen to a 43 year old woman. But we know it happens everyday, and I'm sure many of you reading have had bad things happen to good people.

So in parting, the only words of wisdom that I can think of are these. We are all on a journey. We will never know how long that journey will last, or when the end will be. When I saw Beth on Christmas day, I never even dreamed that she would be gone in less than two weeks. Would I have done anything differently if I could have know that?I wish I had one more day with her. I recently read a quote somewhere that said something like, treat everyone you meet as if this is their last day on earth. It could be. We'll never know.


  1. You do whatever you need to do right now and we'll be here to supply you however you need it. I know what you weigh means nothing right now, and it shouldn't, but how you eat and take care of yourself through this does matter. I don't even have to tell you how important it is to Beth that you grieve in a way that's healthy and nurturing to your whole being...spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. Just think of every healthy bite as a hug from one of us, especially from Beth, and in that way we all can be physically present to you.

    I've been through a very painful loss myself and deeply feel for all that you and your family are going through. I wish there was a way to ease the pain during a time like this, but all I can offer is a cyber hug and my prayers. Know that we are all with you in spirit. Mega hugs.


  2. Minichick couldn't have said it better. Know that we are here with you, and please take care of yourself.

    Thank you for continuing to stay connected with us through the blog, you know none of us care if you're blogging about food or not.

    xoxo Dawn

  3. Pattie, I also agree with Minichick completely. You must take care of yourself in order to be strong and healthy enough to help your brother and your niece and nephew. The next few days will probably be the hardest. I know with me writing things down helps me to sort through my emotions and gives me a bit of a release when things are difficult. I hope by blogging in this safe place it will help you (even if it's just a tiny bit) to release some of your sadness, and frustrations. We care about you and want to help even if its just being here to listen.

  4. First, I want to say that I am so sorry for your loss. Secondly, I wanted to thank your brother for being able to think of others during this horrible time. My mom has been waiting for a liver transplant since early August. She is getting sicker by the day. Sadly, organ donation is not that common. I am in awe of your brother's strength, kindness and generosity. Nothing I say here can ease the pain he is feeling right now. I only wanted to say thank you on behalf of everyone that will be touched by his decision. You are an amazing family.

  5. Pattie, I'm so sorry for your loss. I agree with Minichick, Joleen and everyone else. Your brother is so brave to donate Beth's organs. I have my driver's license signed to donate if need be, as organs are very needed! Please take care of yourself because if you don't take care of you, you can't help take care of your brother and the kids! My deepest condolences for such a huge tragedy! You're right....A healthy 43 yr old shouldn't die!

  6. I wish that I had the words to comfort you and your family. I can only offer that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I know somewhere in this horrible tragedy their will be a lesson? There will be life for families that had only known hope for so long. Her gift of her organs will live on for many, many years. What a beautiful and generous gift. My heart aches for your brother and his children. I pray that they find peace and some joy in the knowledge that they had a "one of a kind" wife/Mom, who loved them. LOVED them.
    Blessings to all of you Pattie.
    The fleeting feeling of happiness that you felt, its OK. You will need to look to those fleeting moments in the next days, however trivial the reason. They will help get you all through. Thoughts of happy times, thoughts of her laughter, thoughts of her in happy ways, will help. Nothing makes sense. I am so sorry for all those who loved her.
    Continue to take care of yourself. You have a job ahead of you of being strong for a lot of people. Your body needs bo be prepared. Come to us to grieve. We are here to help and listen.
    Love to you.

  7. Pattie,I just want to thank you for taking the time to share with us. I am so sorry. I hurt for you and your family. I am holding you right now while you cry on my shoulder.
    Love ya :-)

  8. My feelings are all wrapped up the with others. Each word beautifully said and heartfelt. In my mind I can see all of us surrounding you and supporting you through this terribly sad time. There is the time to grieve, and this is yours. You're not alone.

  9. I have to agree with every person who commented here so far. We are and will always be here for you. Ive always said, "sometimes you have to lift, and sometimes you have to lean". Just lean away. we are here to hold you up and catch you if needed.
    My heartfelt condolences to you, your brother & family. There are no words to articulate my sadness for all of you.
    Love & Hugs to you!

  10. Our hearts are with you Pattie. You are a beautiful and amazing woman and I am so sorry that you and your family are suffering this tragic loss. Sending love to you and yours.

  11. Oh Pattie, I am so sorry for your loss. If you need anything at all, email me. Im sending positive thoughts and love your way.

  12. Pattie I am so sorry for you and your family. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. Big hugs to you!!!!